The HAE Team

hae_crew

jbtoon      Hi, I’m Vincentoli, your cyber-spaced mountain correspondent, and one of the original founding members of HAE.

     But now like there are like 5 winter hiking fanatics* in HAE and we are the most bad ass best winter survival backpackers to ever stuff your datastream!!

     That’s why we at HAE hope you are shoein’…er…I mean surfing our most excellent web page dedicated to bringing you the wonders of the great cybor-spaced outdoors.

     Why read on??

     Maybe, as you have sat back and closed your eyes, you have felt the great northern woods engulf you and carry your conscience away as the methodical crunch of chuffed snow filters off in muffled wonderment. Could it be that the mischief and adventures unfolded as HAE hikes the wood brings you back to childhood memories of camping, swimming, eating them ice cream bars, and the endless summers…memories now long lost in a urban jungle and cyborspace haze. For the outdoorsy type, all the HAE survival equipment, techniques and secrets are here. Or could be that the highest drama of human life, that of life precipitously perched between the edges of survival and a comedy of errors, attracts your literary interest? Perhaps we have met on the trails and byways of the world.

     Whatever your reason, I hope you find what you are looking for here in HAE space, and enjoy our classic tales of survival and adventure with as much excitement and fun as we have had during these trips, and also while writing these stories for you!”

     Vincentoli Blaanteev – Redwood City, California, April 1997

 

fifetoon     Alas there web-crawlers! I’m Bruce McAnus, a winter survival backpacker and your resident technical gear expert!

     With the development of this web site, I also must as well assume the role of the shaken but not stirred scatalogical translator of obscure Novaschian profusions in fecestoolology. Furthermore I have analyzed Vincentoli’s grandiose Dudley Doright vision quests as primarily due to a hyper-compensation for his overactive thyroid and underactive testicles. Therefore it’s with all due respect to the idiocentric unstables that I assume my bestowed upon role with dignity, and even when I occasionally play straight man for his pitiful flights of Lewis and Clark induced fantasy, it’s not to incite ridicule for Vincentoli’s abject cruelty, but rather, to let him exhaust his napolionic autocratic tendencies.

     Nowhere can the full appreciation of these HAE camp dymamics be found like during a cold and blustery New England mountianside camp in January. While I’m preoccupied with testing my lastest stove that I designed to burn anything, Vincentoli swaggers back into camp, dragging some firewood all over somebody elses equipment and spilling some booze too. He has bogarted the haebar, and disappearing for what was long enough to be called the full Norm Abrahams, is now returning, with half of the haebar left. Both are fully incrusted with ice and snow.

     Marcus notices that something is up first. “There’s the haebar,” he says.

     Novasch looks up. “Where?”

     “Vincentoli’s got it.”

     “Vincentoli you stiff gimme that…I can’t believe people trusted you with our national defense when we know you’ll steal a haebar right out from in front of us!”

     “Hae so like eat shit..so I did some military stuff…..big whiff!…who’s turn is it to cut up some wood it ain’t my turn McAnus, hae McAnus it’s your turn!”

     Who wouldn’t be adding in their two cents worth if not even being annoyed at all this on-going camp banter, yet another one of Vincentoli’s incessant interuptions, but why pay attention? I lost interest in primitive camping techniques years ago because I’ve been designing the latest in outdoor equipment. Like the X-7R stove prototype roaring away in front of me. So now I have to look up from thinking about taking important data needed to analyze the generators ventura effect efficiency as a function of fuel viscosity and thermal-octane BTU equivalent.

     “Vince… we really believe yah when you say you’re an engineer with a PhD that’s designed ecm electronics for our nation’s defense…. but that nice man who hired you at the restaurant will have to get another dish-washer if you don’t go in tonight!… OK, Vincentoli, so let’s take the tesla coil out of the radar range but keep your rubber gloves on.”

     Well…what a waste, Vincentoli could have been such a good dish-washer. And Timur would of made such a great cheese cake decorator. But instead we hike and climb the great northern winter wilderness, undertaking adventures not even professional wilderness guides would venture. And of all the various motives that one would have, it’s the camp soapbox that keeps a hiker light on his feet, the crackel and light of a campfire bright. That’s life on the snowshoe trail with HAE. That’s life here in HAE cybor-space….read on o’ brave ones.

     –Bruce McAnus, Seattle, WA April 1998

 

marktoonHey…I’m Marcus, the Indian of the group.

     Its a wide-open ridge top, everything has a foot thick coating of wind blasted snow. Its cold too, real cold, but you don’t feel it. Just a gentle breeze. The moon is full and quite bright, the entire mountain is lit up. The Milky Way is packed together right straight above your head and fades away to either side. You can see for miles off toward the horizon even though its late at night. Occasionally a satellite can be seen speeding across the sky passing by more stars than you can imagine. It quickly reminds one of how …

     Hold it right there gomer, if this is the kind of stuff your lookin’ for, you’re in the wrong place, amigo. You just stick with your Yankee Magazine and forget about trapsin’ off into the woods. Thank you.

     To read the exploits of HAE you must leave your mind at the door and accept that what you read to be factual and accurate in every way, don’t let the fact that the authors (Vincentoli mostly) memories of these events are severely altered due to self-inflicted abuse of the worst kind.

     I didn’t mean to blow a hole through the shelter roof…it was supposed to go over the shelter.

     –Marcus Needlemeier, Mystic, Connecticut, August 1997

 

timtoon     Greetings, internet adventurers…..I’m Timur Novasch. You might remember me as “Herb the Verb” in the 1972 production of “The Case of the Missing Part Of Speech”. I’m the guy they suckered into maintaining this website so if you find any errors you can blame me. (You have no idea how hard it is to edit Vincentoli’s scrawlings…)

     I am a winter hiker. We winter hikers are a strange breed. We enter the wild in the most adverse conditions and we like it. We smell, smoke, cuss, fart and drink. Our Crew is a mobile white trash unit with the ability to transform the northern New England wilderness into “HAE Headquarters” at a moments notice. “Why…?”, you may ask. ‘Cuz we can.

     Seriously, we live in a world gone mad. Sometimes we all need to break away from the hive and experience the world on its own terms, even if that means freezing our polypro clad asses off. Live outside for a while during a winter hike and you’ll appreciate the simple things a wee bit more. Like taking a dump on a warm porcelain bowl or drinking water without having to melt it first, for instance. The winter wood offers a sort mental douching that helps keep us sane. So we chuff, thrash, burn and enjoy the wilderness while we can.

     We are proud of our wilderness exploits even though some may think of us as an environmental hazard wearing backpacks. But we have experience. We have made mistakes maybe even YOU can learn from. We felt the stories have to be told and our wisdom must be shared! This website is an ambitious attempt to bring these adventures to light. So hoist your pack and chuff along with HAE!

     –Timur Novasch, Westborough, MA, August 1997

*HAE has 7 team members as of 2015. – Timur